Friday would have been my Dad's 74th birthday and I have really been struggling with how to honor it. I thought about sending flowers to his grave, but Dad wasn't really into that sort of thing. Besides, that really doesn't speak to what is in my heart. In the end, I decided to commemorate him here, because this is my place and I can say what is in my heart.
However, this has not been an easy task. I meant to have this posted on the day of his birthday but it just didn't happen. I have written and re-written, almost posted and then decided at the last minute I needed to revise. It has been hard for me to find my voice.
In the end, all I came up with is to go from my gut, even if it doesn't make sense to anyone but me.
I miss you, Dad. Life has not been the same without you in it. Without you, there isn't anyone to tell those same, old family jokes and stories. We try, but it just isn't the same. They were your jokes and stories, and only you could tell them with the right kind of flair.
I miss that rare, goofy side of you; that you aren't around to do your funny worm face or stage laugh on command.
I will forever mourn that you aren't here to share with all that I am learning and how I am growing in my new experience as a temple worker. You were one of the few that I felt safe sharing my spiritual side with.
I am deeply sad that you won't be around to see our new little peanut come into the world. You never even got to hear the news.
Your legacy is growing, Dad. I know you would have been so proud and happy.
I just plain miss you. We have gone through the inevitable "firsts" without you. Christmas was still a celebration, but your absence was sorely felt.
I regret that I don't have more photos of you. I never realized how camera shy you were. But here are a few of my favorites:
There are some days when I suddenly realize that I feel a certain heaviness. I don't automatically recognize what has caused it until I remember, "oh yeah, Dad's not here anymore." It still breaks my heart that I never really got to say good-bye.
But, I am doing my best. We all are.
We go on; we three girls that you left behind. Sometimes, it has been a weird and messy process as we try to define our family relationships without you. But, we do all we can to care for each other and all of our family.
But, we are a man down and we feel it. I guess we always will.